So, apparently, me not being a successful musician, writer, linguist or champion interior decorator and horticulturist by the age of 33 (and-almost-a-half) means that I should be taken to an abandoned, spider infested wood and tickled and taunted until I break and admit that I am fundamentally, nothing more than a failure. I haven’t made much money by now and have no savings; only the tender but fierce will of a 15 year old who vows to dominate the world with their creative fire and soul. I have no children, nor my own house, garden or a thriving career; only the knowledge that this could all be turned around when I decide to fight and work to make these things happen. Till then, may the Spider King take me and all who have ever dared to suggest that I have potential and still retain a good amount of youth to play around with as I see fit.
What is she on about? I imagine you are thinking. Yeah, precisely. Of course, the spider thing is just a metaphor for how negative my thoughts have been lately. I have been feeling doom and gloom when I wake up most mornings, a dread almost… ‘What will today not bring for me?’ instead of ‘How can I do my best with today and work towards the future that I dream of?’ Or ‘I am going to totally mess up that meeting and not complete my To-Do-List meaning that everything is pointless and I am a failure’ instead of ‘I will do my best at that meeting, which is all that I can do, at least I’m doing it and a To-Do-List is a great way to start organising my thoughts and progressing with things I need to get done but maybe it can’t all get done in a day because things aren’t always that clear cut, but that’s ok.’
See? Not that hard is it? Yes, negative mind, it is you I am addressing. Go away, you half-wit. The only thing that is a failure, is you. The only thing that is preventing a fabulous future is you.
After a tricky few months of soul-searching and life-reviewing, I’ve come to the realisation that the way I treat myself is not very kind. I set myself tasks that consume all of my thoughts and time which I plod along with for a certain amount of time until I realise I have not achieved them in a way I’m satisfied with. Along the way, the all-consuming task I’ve set myself has extinguished most of my core interests and passions so I end up left in a place of despair where my sense of self has become fragmented and things that I love doing are no longer a part of my daily life. Correlate this with the fact that the aforementioned all-consuming task has become so exhausting that my own mind eventually can no longer comprehend why it was so important in the first place and why my time had to be focused so singularly on that. Then begins the subconscious process of distracting myself away from it till I eventually reach the major feelings of failure.
Doesn’t sound healthy does it? Well, it isn’t, but it is exactly what I’ve been doing for a long time and convincing myself it is the only way I will ever achieve my dreams. As hinted at above, this cruel scheme has caused me to pretty much stop being creative with my blog and travelling, practising guitar and singing and writing for fun. I feel very lucky to be creative and it’s always been something I can rely on to give me a sense of joy and purpose, no matter how tough life gets and bleak the world can seem at times. However, this strict, almost militant regime does not appear to be working and has also caused me to neglect things closer to home.
Me and my boyfriend moved into a really lovely rented home a year and a half ago and, until recently, I was so busy with my one task at hand that I was not spending any time thinking about how to make home beautiful, so that at the end of every day, no matter how challenging, I could come home to a safe haven filled with meaningful objects to enjoy such as ornaments, photographs of happy times, funky plants, artwork and fairy lights. Gotta have the fairy lights. But the thing is, there haven’t been any.
Basically, I’ve come to realise that instead of practising positive well-being, I’ve been practising self-punishment. Setting myself up for failure because, even if I was to achieve the one task I set myself so strictly, I am not spending any time with my other interests and things that make me tick. I should be doing these daily or at least weekly to keep that sense of joy and fulfilment afloat. A sense of self, a whole self. These are the things that make me, me and I should be doing as many of them as often as possible. I’m starting to see that, to be successful with one thing may still not lead to happiness and fulfilment if you’re restricting yourself in other ways.
A happy life should be about balance, I mean, we hear it all the time; a balanced diet, a good work/life balance, if you are a parent – balancing time spent with your children with time spent with yourself and other adults. Balance is what we need to feel that we are accessing all areas of our lives. We can take time to consider all of our interests, our aspirations, our potential and capabilities, our time and responsibilities and make room for ALL of it. This is possible, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times, it’s just about figuring out how to organise your life so that you can include all the things you love often enough to keep you well, sane!
Me and my boyfriend are both very similar in this regard, we are both really creative and aspirational. We are very lucky to live in a lovely area of Leeds very close to a canal and some gorgeous pubs and walking areas yet we hardly ever utilise these amenities. We usually, without really thinking, opt to remain in the house during our free time to push ourselves with our indoor hobbies and work ventures. This is great and it is good to be motivated in these areas, but after a certain point, I start to pine for walks out and to spend time outside walking and enjoying our local area. This sense of longing and pining comes from a poor work/life balance.
We are not enjoying our very fruitful local area because we are actively rejecting that part of our lives that would actually be very good for clearing our minds ready for work and giving us a sense of appreciation of what is around us that is simple and beautiful. We would most likely be even more productive if we allowed ourselves more time for simple pleasures and making sure to keep our home cosy and full of things we love. Appreciation needs to be fed, too much restriction causes it to decompose. That quote best not have already been written.
Last year, it had just turned January 2018. I always feel so inspired at the start of a New Year as I start to focus my attention on what I want to achieve that year. I thought that it would be a great idea to concentrate on just one thing and one thing only for the entirety of 2018 as this was surely a foolproof plan to ticking off one of my goals. That focus was to be money-making. I would work full time, try and get extra work on as many evenings and weekends as I had the energy to, find extra work online to complete on bus and train journeys, find freebies through phone apps, save money wherever possible by cutting costs down on bills and eating as frugally as humanly possible.
I was buzzing with enthusiasm, excitement and ideas; not only was it thrilling and motivating knowing that I was at the very start of a brand new, fresh year but I was so excited to embark on this journey and see the end result – how much money I had made come December 2019 for putting into future savings and for travel etc.
I did well for about 6 months before doubts began to seep in and a bleakness set over me. Work wasn’t coming in as thick and fast and it was all starting to wane. I would still continue with my money-making journey, I decided, but I would also start making time for some other things. This decision led to a sense of guilt and feelings of failure; I had set myself this task for the whole year so I should see it through! If I don’t then it’s just another failed task and I won’t feel as accomplished come next year. So, basically everything I did for the last 6 months of 2018 had a guilt attached to it as I had put so much pressure on myself to perform that nothing else had any worth attached to it.
Then came the travel cravings. I should have known I couldn’t keep those at bay for long I mean, come on I have a travel blog for Pete’s sake. I went on holiday in mid-July – that had been planned since January and was to be my only form of travel that year because I had informed myself that it was allowed as ‘Everyone needs a holiday.’ But, spending time rejuvenating on a beautiful Island for a week only fed my cravings that I had allowed to be subdued.
Once back home, and basically for the rest of the year, I could not stop thinking about new travel ventures, particularly Italy. It had been at the top of my travel list for ever and I would scroll through endless travel blogs and see photographs of their beautiful travels on Instagram and feel a major sense of envy. It wasn’t long before the long Winter nights set in and night after night I would sit in a red hot bath to keep warm, plotting and planning ways that I could travel around as many of the Italian cities as soon possible so that I could tick off yet another dream.
Before I knew it, most of the money I had managed to save up in my bank account was getting blown on booking trips, and come February ’19 this year, I was applying for a new credit card after embarking on trips to London, Lithuania, Italy and Belgium in the space of 4 months. I was working less because I was distracted by my new venture (or obsession, you could say) and now here I am, still with no savings and the added bonus of a credit card to pay off.
So, I will ask; who has benefited from this strict regime? Why am I doing myself such a disservice?
In many ways it is great because in a big way, I feel I have lived by doing these trips and experimenting with the earning as much money as possible scheme. I have had many good times along the way and nothing has been pointless or wasted. But, it’s what it has been doing to my mental health that is the problem. These things could still have been achieved in a more balanced way and I wouldn’t have left myself in any debt or with feelings of failure and frustration. You aren’t much of anything without a positive mindset or the chance to work at one. I have learned a big lesson from this and am clearly still learning because, until I’ve sat down today to write this article, I have been only mainly allowing myself to focus on the task of doing up the house to ensure that all areas of it are enriching and inspiring. So, again, I’m doing things in such a way that things are getting done, but at a cost.
Doing up the house has been a great experience and I can see the benefits all around the house with little corners I have arranged that look pretty and cosy and I keep looking around and smiling. This is obviously positive but I do feel that, as we moved in in December 2017, there’s no reason that much of this couldn’t have been gradually done over the last year and a half rather than all at once. Again, it’s creating pressure on yourself to perform. We moved in and then literally, a month later when we still had boxes through the house to sort through from the move, I was already moving on to a new venture that I let rule my every move for half a year till I was run ragged and miserable.
Basically, when I started with my grand idea of making as much money as possible for a year and starving myself of all other interests, I was setting myself up for my present feelings of hopelessness. That’s a huge set of repercussions and it’s scary thinking of how that was gradually snowballing over a long period of time without me properly realising what I was doing. It is like a ticking time bomb and some sort of depression when the momentum dies down is pretty much inevitable.
I’m really wanting the writing of his article to signify a new way of living for me. One that simply will not tolerate self-punishment of any form or the setting of nigh on impossible tasks only to set myself up for inevitable failures or feelings of failure. It’s mean for anyone to treat themselves that way and it’s clearly not getting me anywhere at the end of it all. I intend to practice a fully balanced life where I allow myself to fully take part in and thrive in everything that I enjoy; all of my hobbies, interests and passions will be fed and I plan to distribute these fairly so that every day I am learning and growing, experiencing and enjoying.
Perhaps one day I will start to notice the benefits of these activities and actually have enjoyed the experience along the way, rather than fuelling a perpetual and futile testing of mental stamina and patience. Your well-being should always come first because if it is put aside too long everything will eventually come grinding to a halt. I think I am finally starting to learn.
Thanks for reading. Can you relate to any of this? Do you restrict yourself in any way and if so, how does it affect your well-being?
