I recall sitting in the bath aged 13, mentally conjuring up song lyrics in my head then scrambling to write them down in my notebook afterwards. So, when a musical family friend came into our lives at that pinnacle age and took an interest in my lyrics and ideas, that was it – the gravitational pull was too much to resist and I was in deep, and would be for life.
I was skilled at English and Drama at school, leaving most other subjects on the back burner and between the ages of 13 and 17 had written a hefty pile of scribblings, recorded vocals on several songs and learnt the basics of guitar.
When I reflect on life so far I can see that creativity is not an option for me – it’s in my blood, so to speak. I need to create otherwise it starts to affect me negatively and I feel like I’m merely existing. Every job I’ve ever had has resulted in the company notepad being hurriedly scrawled upon in a secret moment as I race to get an urgent idea out. Letter-headed sheets of smooth magnolia paper, waiting for an official document to be printed on and signed by the managing director of a successful company defaced by talk of sunflowers thirsting for summer rain and glossy blackberries nourishing the soul – the elementary life was never going to come naturally to me.
Society is not very forgiving to creative types though and it isn’t always easy to get a full-time job in such fields. Unfortunately, not everyone in this world could because if we all had the opportunity to fulfil our creative dreams for full wages, we’d have no plumbers, no cleaners, and no labourers. Those imperative, arguably menial jobs would not be done and society would suffer. The cogs need to stay turning with us all working together to complete those ‘menial’ tasks.
But irrespective of this, my creativity will always be there and it isn’t optional, sometimes we have to fight for ourselves or no one else will. But all I can say is that companies could have saved a lot of paper!!
A few years ago, I met someone that had a very methodical and formulaic outlook on life, insinuating that my creative determination was laughable and that there is no time or space in this world for it – that we must be militant and regulated, like soldiers. These opinions began to tempt me for a while as he put them forward with such aplomb, not to mention at that time I had been struggling with motivation and self belief.
During this uncertain time, I started to envision myself working in a hospital – a job where you simply learned the skill and went in and did your job, helped others and went home. I wanted this, I wanted the feeling of predictability in that I knew what I was trained in and when my free time was. Plus, helping others is always the goal as it gives life purpose and meaning – making a difference to the community and those we share it with.
But the thing is, you can not sign up to things for the wrong reasons. Your heart and passion must be invested otherwise you are not being true to yourself and are at risk of falling down in the future, not to mention affecting others negatively. Imagine being a heart surgeon who’s heart and soul wasn’t in their vocation. We have a duty to be invested in our work as what we do usually impacts others in society. This may explain all the grumpy, snappy bus drivers I’ve come across over the years.
When thinking about becoming a nurse realistically, I concluded that I hated hospitals so how could I really spend every working day in one for the next 35 years or so? I couldn’t, is the answer. Some can get past that in the quest to help others, but I decided that realistically I’d rather reach out to others via my creativity, something my heart and soul were truly invested in. I had been trying my hardest to think of what else I could input into this world – but despite my trying to depart from writing, singing, creating, my mind would constantly revert back to it.
This it the real me, the fundamental me. That is what I have to offer this world. There has never been anything else. That has been proven time and time again as I am always magnetised back towards creating and this has been evidential throughout my whole life so far. And though it makes things a little trickier for me, because I can not be formulaic and IT driven in a society crying out for statistician and data analysers, it also brings me comfort, because I know it to be 100% genuine and who I am, my quest. So, I’m now free to do anything to achieve it, however challenging that is. What the aforementioned person should have been saying to me is that we are all different, all unique and each have something amazing to offer. So if you’re creative and I’m formulaic, then that’s great we are different – let’s watch us both succeed in our quests.
I can’t help people in the way of saving their lives by stitching their wounds, instead I can heal and provide through my art, because that’s what I’ve been given. It can hold power. I’m certainly not claiming to have a superpower but I myself have been able to reframe in the past by consuming a piece of art, whether it be a poignant painting, a perfectly crafted song seemingly empathising with my current feeling, or a fantastic novel. Art can assist with perspective and shared understanding, and that is valuable. What do many nurses and doctors need when they finish a shift anyway? They need entertainment and escapism. Art provides that.
Considering the topic of self-indulgence; art and creativity are connected with this as you sit there and create; feel this urge, this pull that you must satisfy. Creatives are often at risk of being in their own mind so much and this can be quite self involved. My constant quest to find my perfect job, perfect life where I slot in flawlessly doing what I am best at, it can bring you very much into yourself and away from others. But I think as long as we are aware of this, it can be remedied by the artist trying that bit harder to consider others around them who could be affected by their creative bubble or obsession. It needs to be on balance where the artist isn’t shutting too many people out during their creative process and to understand that the outcome of their creating is to output art to others to bring joy and connection rather than merely a chance for them to sit in their own minds and indulge themselves. A way to bring people together and help others through challenging times, shared experiences.
During lockdown, the attitude around performers wasn’t very positive, society was firmly in favour of for the key workers. Theatre performers, actors and Instagram influencers were being looked down upon, nurses were being applauded, factory workers and cleaners were being praised – which was fantastic I’m glad of this they deserve it, anyone that contributes positively to society deserves praise.
But artists and performers being viewed so negatively when we were all at home binge watching Netflix, trying art and reading books during lockdown speaks volumes.
We need the creative minds of other in this world. If we were all formulaic and soldier-like then there would be nothing to switch off to, no alternative perspectives to consider other than in stark and blunt conversation. That would be very dull and sometimes needs to be softened by way of a creative mask, so we can consume things in a fresh, new way.
For many, creativity is an inbuilt compass, it navigates them through life, like a guide to veer them off track but always ground them. It is sometimes a peculiar feeling for me and dictates what route I must take.
Life is ambivalent, I both love and hate my current job, I’m both happy and sad, hopeful and hopeless. But I can not stop writing and I can’t stop the ideas flowing through me, so I must find a way to indulge them.
And indulge them I do, by working very hard. But my truth is a constant comfort and I know that I am treading the correct path, one that I’ll continue to tread with confidence, certainty and passion. I’m where I want to be.
And may we all get to where we want to be.
