Sitting with a steaming hot cup of any kind of elixir* whilst taking stock of what has been and what is to come, as you finally feel ready and raring for new beginnings, is one of life’s greatest pleasures.
The feeling of emptiness that can come from life not working out as planned or from having lost something that gave your life meaning or value can manifest in some awful ways and cause feelings of purposelessness, inertia and depression.
I myself have experienced some of this over the past two years. There have been the highest highs and the lowest lows, I’ve never known anything quite like it. Sometimes you really connect with that saying ‘life is like a rollercoaster’ through every fibre of your being.
There is no choice but to muddle through until your brain begins to heal from the emotional fractures and starts to allow us to rationalise. We have many chances, opportunities and versions of our lives -not all work out as planned and we don’t always end up where we expected. It is so hard to believe that something better is coming, but it always is. I can not always see this for the thick, enveloping fog, it is almost impossible sometimes and that is one of life’s greatest challenges; making sense of the unexpected and unknown, figuring out how to deal with trauma while we are in the thick of it. We actually can cope with anything, we just don’t feel like we can at the time which is a very uncertain and tentative game indeed.
Spring is my favourite time of year and the last two have been darkened as I’ve unwillingly delved into the deepest caverns of heartbreak. I am becoming an expert in it, which is no good for someone that feels emotions in an incandescent manner – almost visceral. And while this can be great for writing (some of my best poems recently were born from overwhelming lows, a strange paradox that I both love and hate – more on that in a future post) it isn’t so great when trying to get through your day. The daily expectations of you as a functional and contributing member of society don’t just disappear because you’ve experienced heartbreak or are feeling your emotions too deeply. Sure, there are people to help you whether that be at work or family and friends, but at the end of it all, you have to turn up eventually.
This is something we must work on in our own ways that make sense to us as individuals as we all have these foibles and idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. Some are detrimental and may hold us back, but they are still part of us and we can’t really get rid of them completely, we just have to learn how to deal with them, whilst trying to remain brave enough face the battle and responsible enough to not hurt others in the process.
I’ve felt like I’m failing in many areas of life recently and that is not a nice feeling. Although I know exactly what you should do in that scenario – focus on where you are going right – it is so hard to do that when you are feeling all kinds of emotions. I have been host to an aray of these and responded to and reacted to them in the only ways I felt able to at the time. And now things are calming and I am now able to gain some control and focus back which is thankfully coming out in a desire to be creative.
This drive for creativity can be somewhat of a curse as it can be all consuming depending on how strongly you feel those creative pulls. But it is also a saving grace as it gifts you with a sense of progression, having something solid to show for your time here on Earth and to leave behind. For some that could be having children, that is their legacy. For others it could be taking part and competing in sporting events or being involved in charities and helping communities and others. Whatever drives you or gives your life purpose, do more of this because it is what makes you you and using your time for this will bring happiness. If this becomes lost during tough times, don’t worry, give it chance and it will return. Trust me I have learnt this!
Always allow time for yourself to switch off and to just be though as well. This is just as important as we all need time to recharge, we can’t always be ‘doing.’
During the uncertain times, I did nothing but stare into space for a while. I listened to no music, watched nothing, read nothing, I could not be entertained. I just sat and processed. It was a very strange and quiet time, but now I have done all the processing that I need to, I am ready to create again and put something back out into the world. But I am different from my experiences – we all are growing and experiencing all the time, that is life and that is the human way. The human condition if you like.
Finally alighting a difficult journey where life hasn’t offered you the most satisfying helping for dinner can bring a renewed nurturing of life where the beauty of a frozen waterfall begins to thaw and cascade back down the dried rocks, showering the ground beneath with a refreshing, aquatic spectacle.
Since I last posted on this blog, I have less in my life, but that means that now there is less that doesn’t make sense so this actually leaves room for more! Sometimes your worst nightmare can become your greatest blessing because when something isn’t serving you at all anymore or not making you happy, you are losing your self and that is harmful and detrimental. There is only so much living for others that we can do before we flounder.
Now I feel ready to blog and write again, I am excited for this opportunity and to be feeling inspired and driven. It gives you a taste for life back; with vibes of vivacity and rapture. The possibilities, the hope, the magic that life can offer. There is bad and there is good: bad times and good times, bad moods and good moods, there is no changing that. We just have to carry on growing in order to learn strategies to cope with this.
So, more writing is on its way and other types of creative offerings, I have a mind bursting with thoughts and vocabulary, an art desk scattered with watercolour pallets and half squeezed acrylic paint tubes, blank sheets of paper waiting to be arrayed. There are more cups of hot coffee and tea to aid looking forward, but also allowing reflection in a healthier way rather than staring at the ascending vapours and zoning out. Let’s get ready for the new year ahead and try our best with what life throws at us. I am determined to enjoy Spring this year. Here’s hoping.
Here’s to new beginnings 🙂
See you soon.
SMT xx
*not lemsip
